I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
