I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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