I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
