He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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