i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
