My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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