I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Are we still banned from the library?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Brb crying the tears of my youth
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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