dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
