What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
