Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
