i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
