so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
