I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I can text with my tongue
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
