Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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