You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
