I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just invented taco cereal.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
