By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
