I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
