Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize