Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
