I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
