At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize