Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
