so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
