well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
