Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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