How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
My ATM looks so different sober.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
