guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
