2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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