Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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