I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
3pm strippers are depressing
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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