Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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