I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize