So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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