Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
