this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
