Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
i've created a new STD.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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