yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
