I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
