this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
