you told grandpa to call you daddy
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
