I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
