Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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