My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
