I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
