fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
