I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
