All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
