I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
