He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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