as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
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