1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize