it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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