you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
