Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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