Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
