sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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