He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
