I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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