the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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